Lord Nikki-mort, Queen of the LJ Minions (syanorra) wrote,
Lord Nikki-mort, Queen of the LJ Minions
syanorra

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Violent Behavior is an Abuser's Choice

Hello my name is Nikki, and I am an abuse survivor.
Here is my story.


I was with Greg for a little over 3 years. It started out like any other relationship, all new and fun. We did the same thing any couples would do, go to bars, hang out with people, go to movies ... all that fun stuff. But after awhile it all changed. He decided we should stop going out, in order to save money. That was fine with me, but his ideas were different. He didn't want to be caught in his cheating on me. On the nights where I'd spend the night at home, he'd have other girls over. If I called him, he wouldn't answer the phone and claim he was online (dial up internet) or that he just wanted to go for a walk, was in the shower or sleeping. If he did answer, he didn't have time to talk.

He started accusing me of cheating on him on those nights where I'd stay home. (Mind you I was staying home because I was babysitting, or doing work for my parents to earn money to give to him and it was too late to catch a bus.) So suddenly I was sleeping with the father of the kids I babysat, or other random guys. I'd come back and he'd demand to smell my underwear, or examine my nether regions for signs of intercourse. Then he'd demand sex himself, his logic was that if I hadn't slept with someone else, I'd be damn horny and really into it. I decided to just act like I was damn into it, but that resulted in me still being horny from the great sex I had before I came home to him. I found out afterwards he had cheated on me at least 17 times on those nights I stayed home, and many other times as well. I knew of and talked to at least 5 girls who claimed they knew nothing of me at the time, and were sickened that he cheated on me.

The physical abuse started shortly thereafter. The first incident happened after one of our nights out. We had a few drinks and were flirting with each other an awful lot. Turns out a few other people we knew were there too, a few people that Greg suddenly decided he didn't like anymore. We decided to leave, that our flirting got too hot and heavy and we just wanted to get home and go at it ... so that's what we did. Only once we were going at it, he snapped and accused me of pretending he was Sean, threw me into the wall, punched me in the face and spit on me. Then he threw me out the door, naked, and locked me out. After a few minutes, he threw the rest of my stuff out and told me to "go fuck Sean" ... he kept my underwear, claiming it was a trophy to add to his collection.

Then there was an Easter Sunday ... I was chatting with my sister on MSN, talking about the ham dinner I was planning to make for Greg and I that evening. I asked her to ask my mom to call me at Greg's so I could make sure I was going about everything right. Greg was taking a nap, and he woke up and found me chatting on MSN. I hadn't noticed, but he had hacked my password and added random guys to my MSN friends list. You could imagine what happened then ... I was thrown across the room by my hair, and when I tried to escape to the bedroom he stood over me on the bed and repeatedly punched me in the stomach. There was no Easter dinner that night.

Another time, I was working at a call center and was sent home early for my lack of voice due to a throat infection (naturally, I didn't know it at the time since someone wouldn't let me make a doctor's appointment !) When I got home, he was there. Clearly, I was faking it and my intention was to come home and invite a guy over for sex. Cuz yeah, I'd totally do that and risk him coming home LMAO ! Instead of going to work the next day, I went to a walk in clinic and was prescribed antibiotics. He threw them out when he found them in one of his random purse checks, then threw me around a bit, claiming that I spent too much money on the prescription with out talking to him first.

Yet another time I was at my parents house, getting ready for something (I don't remember what). We were chatting on MSN and he told me he forgot to print an essay that was due the next day. He asked me to print it for him and bring it over. I knew how important school was to him, so I printed it and got on the bus. I was only supposed to get off the bus, hand it to him, and wait for the bus to take me back home (15 minute wait) but he dragged me into the apartment by the hair and again, demanded to check me for signs of intercourse and throw me into the wall and demand sex.

He was huge into porn. The desktop computer was "my" computer, where I saved my essays and school work while he saved his work on the laptop he used in classes. I'd constantly come home to my desktop background picture changed to a pornographic picture, or him surfing and saving porn on the hard drive. He'd tell me to be "more like them", and that he'd love me more if I pretended to be his personal porn star. He wanted to tape record us having sex, he wanted me to do all kind of stuff I don't even want to think about ...

He also obsessed about girls an awful lot. There was a chat room that he went to, he had for quite some time. It was a pretty cool chat room, where you have an avatar that you could place around the "room", sit with other people and stuff like that. He claimed that the members of the chat room were like his 'internet family' and introduced me to them by way of inviting me to the chat room. They all seemed very nice, or as nice as someone can be when you only know them online. It seemed odd though, because they'd "date" each other (set up times to go to the chat room and have their date). He'd constantly have dates with this one girl, and he'd tell me they were just the BFF's of the room. There was one Saturday he was all excited. He was going to spend the day with his brother, just the two of them. I thought it was nice because he rarely got to see his brother. That morning, he and I were doin' it and he stopped to answer the phone ! I thought that was odd, I'm sure his brother would have understood that he was 'gettin some' ... but whatever. We didn't even finish having sex, he had to go right away. He was gone all of 5 minutes when the phone rang again. Me, thinking it might have been his brother again, answered it. It was some girl, asking for Greg. I said "no, he's gone to meet his brother" and she says "Oh, I thought he was spending the day with me ?" She told me where they were meeting, and I hightailed it there. Needless to say, the girl was shocked to know he had a live in girlfriend. Uh huh.

There were many times we'd run out of smokes. Sometimes he'd claim that's what made him snap. Quite often we'd split packs, he'd get half and I'd get half. Sometimes he'd smoke his faster than I did, so I might have 5 left when he's done his. One day, I was sitting on the back of the couch in the window writing some poetry watching a thunderstorm smoking my last smoke. He decided that it would be awesome to have sex in the window, and that it would be meaningful for me because I love thunderstorms. I thought that would be adventurous, we were on the ground floor and the parking lot was right there. So, afterwards, he freaked out because I had smoked my last cigarette with out telling him. My poetry book got torn apart and burned in the bathtub, I got punched in the face.

Another smokeless time, he had been berating me for my lack of interest in his computer programming. He threw several of his textbooks at me (painfully !) and told me he was going to see his mom about getting some money and that he wanted me to write him a program when he got back and that I'd better study up hard. When he left, I ran up to a random apartment and asked them to call the police. They showed up, took a statement and helped me gather my stuff and took me to my parents house. Then they went back to Greg's to inform him what had happened and that he wasn't to contact me ... that I would contact him if I needed anything.

Obviously he contacted me. He was desperate he told me, he loved me so much that he'd do anything to prove it. I told him that if he was serious, we should do some counseling together. He agreed, he said I was so right, he loved me so much blah blah blah. So my mom helped me set up an appointment, Greg and I went. As soon as we got there, Greg flipped out. The therapist was a quack, he was only focusing on me and my issues with Greg rather than the issues Greg had with the relationship. We were only there for 10 minutes when Greg exploded, spit at the therapist and stormed out of the office.

This "break up" lasted about a week, no one else but he and I knew that I had called the police in. He won me back by saying he felt singled out at the counseling session, that he thought we could work through it better ourselves. I was set to start my ECE course at Fanshawe College ... When I was doing co-op, I was at a daycare center not too far from the college. I had two supervisors, one happened to be male. Greg showed up at the daycare one day and caused a bit of a scene in front of all the kids, a few parents and all the daycare staff. Needless to say, the end result was me failing placement, which caused me to 'fail' the first semester by default.

Another day I had started a period, only it seemed kind of abnormal. I had to sneak out to the doctor again and discovered that I had cancerous cells on my cervix. An appointment was made to have the cells laser treated. The day of the treatment, Greg had an exam and he wanted me to reschedule the treatment with the specialist for a time where he could "be there with me", you know, for support and stuff. When the appointment couldn't be rescheduled, he threw a fit and tried to ban me from going at all. He didn't want me "getting off" on having the procedure done. Thankfully, the procedure was the same time as his exam, and there was no way he'd miss an exam. My mom took me, and took me to her house afterwards. Naturally, Greg phoned and phoned, demanding that my parents bring me back 'home' to him, that he wanted to take care of me. I got on the phone and told him I felt like shit and just wanted to spend the night at home. Clearly, that's not what I wanted at all, and I just wanted to sleep with my friend Ian (yeah, sex is what I wanted after having my cervix laser treated !!)

I attempted to break it off with him again after that. I asked him to gather up my belongings and put them outside the apartment window for me to pick up, escorted by my father. Greg said he'd do that, so my dad and I left to pick it up. We got to the building and there was no bag outside the window. My sister spotted the bag in the garbage pile ... we went and grabbed it and left. Something smelled odd, so I opened the bag to find that my clothes had been burned and PISSED ON !! He burnt holes in the boobs of the shirts, the crotches of the pants then pissed the fire out !!!

One of the many other times we "broke up", I was at my parents getting ready with Kiersten to go out to the Wreck'd Room for a celebration of some sort. Wanna guess what happened ? Yep, Greg called and called and called and called ... finally the calling stopped and I said to my mom "he's on his way over". I was right. He showed up at my parents house, claiming he loved me (God, he even cried !) and I was all whatever. Kiersten and I got on the bus, he followed us. The entire bus ride he sat there yelling at Kiersten about how much of a whore she was, and that her bad influence was going to rub off on me. We got off the bus downtown (followed by some random people from said bus ride whom I thanked afterwards) and Greg continued to yell and scream at Kiersten and I. When we got to the Wreck'd Room, I agreed to give him 1/2 hour of my time. He said he just wanted to talk to me about our relationship and all that had past. He asked if I would come to his apartment, I said no fucking way, and he started throwing a fit. I escaped to the safety of the bar, and he (eventually) left.

The next weekend I was out again, savoring my freedom and guess who shows up ? You got it, Greg. He come into the bar, sees me behind the DJ booth with Sean and starts screaming about how I should be banned from the bar because I'd been sucking Sean off behind the booth. When no one believed him or cared, he started telling the bouncer (which I believe was Dante) that I was pregnant with his child, and he had the right to have me banned from bars to protect the well being of his child. I was not pregnant (I actually had my period that evening) and he was threatened with police action if he did not leave the bar. Apparently he waited outside for several hours for me to come out, only to find that I was escorted by most every male in the bar !!

Every time after his abuse, he'd MSN message me with how sorry he was, that he knew he should get help, that he loves me so so so much and that he just lost his mind and the thought of losing me. The first few times I bought it, he was so sweet and loving for awhile afterwards each time. He claimed it was the stress of school, money and all that. I accepted that. Eventually there were no more excuses he could make to make me believe him, but still I kept going back.

Eventually, it came to a head and I attacked back. I had just come back from my parents house where I was getting money. He wanted me to go to the store and get cigarettes while he surfed porn videos 'for later'. I left, seriously debating weather to call the police from the store. I bought the cigarettes, and debated some more while pretending to look at the movie rental selection. I guess I took too long, because there he was coming into the store. "Baby, what's taking so long, I was getting worried !" he says. He tells the store clerk that I've got a sinus infection and the medication I'm on makes me do odd things. I'm in a rage that he's doing this, so I let him steer me out of the store. In the parking lot, he grabs my arm and tells me not to even think about screaming for help, that he was going to kill me if I fucked up again. I snapped, I'd never punched and kicked and generally tried to hurt someone so much in my life !! I didn't care how many people were around, I didn't care about anything else than hurting him as much as I could, I was probably trying to kill him judging by what I did to him ... his neck was scratched big time, his necklace had cut into his skin so much that he was dripping blood. He had a black eye, cut lip and who knows what I did to his balls with those kicks. I saw a bus coming, so I ran for it and went home.

He still had some of my stuff, so the next day I got a two car, four man police escort to take me to go and pick it up. I went through the entire apartment with two cops gathering everything that was mine while he was forced to sit on the couch guarded by two burly police officers, hands quite near their batons. He was told not to contact me again, he was told he would be arrested if I so desired, and that it was up to me if he was going to be charged or not. There were several charges that could have been laid on him, considering the police knew me fairly well by this point.

This was officially the end. Naturally, he did contact me after that, trying to 'win me back' but I finally had no part. It took me so long to realize that everyone was right, that he wasn't going to change and that I was a fool for holding out hope. He didn't love me, he loved controlling me, he loved the power he had over me.

I am hoping that my story will somehow help someone else. See, my mom printed off all the stuff, all the information about battered women, and the abuse cycle. I didn't believe any of it, I always believed it would get better, it was just a rough patch in our relationship. How wrong I was. After over 3 years, nothing changed ... it only got worse. I have no doubt that he probably would have killed me eventually. Looking back, I can't help but think how I could have been so stupid ! Hopefully, my stupidity can help someone else avoid the things I went through or worse.

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Source of Information:

Spousal abuse and battery are used for one purpose: to gain and maintain total control over the victim. In addition to physical violence, abusers use the following tactics to exert power over their wives or partners:

* Dominance — Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his possession.
* Power and Control WheelHumiliation — An abuser will do everything he can to make you feel bad about yourself, or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
* Isolation — In order to increase your dependence on him, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. Source: Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, MN
* Threats — Abusers commonly use threats to keep their victims from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.
* Intimidation — Your abuser may use a variety of intimation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
* Denial and blame — Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abuser may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He will commonly shift the responsibility onto you: Somehow, his violence and abuse is your fault.


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Cycle of violence

Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

* Abuse — The abuser lashes out with aggressive or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show the victim "who is boss."
* Guilt — After the abusive episode, the abuser feels guilt, but not over what he's done to the victim. The guilt is over the possibility of being caught and facing consequences.
* Rationalization or excuses — The abuser rationalizes what he's done. He may come up with a string of excuses or blame the victim for his own abusive behavior—anything to shift responsibility from himself.
* "Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
* Fantasy and planning — The abuser begins to fantasize about abusing his victim again, spending a lot of time thinking about what she's done wrong and how he'll make her pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
* Set-up — The abuser sets up the victim and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing her.


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Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are real.

Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to physical violence and even murder. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. No one deserves this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.




SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP
Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings
Do you:
* feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
* avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
* feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
* believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
* wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
* feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior
Does your partner:
* humiliate, criticize, or yell at you?
* treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
* ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
* blame you for his own abusive behavior?
* see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats
Does your partner:
* have a bad and unpredictable temper?
* hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
* threaten to take your children away or harm them?
* threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
* force you to have sex?
* destroy your belongings?

Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior
Does your partner:
* act excessively jealous and possessive?
* control where you go or what you do?
* keep you from seeing your friends or family?
* limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
* constantly check up on you?


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Every single one of these things was a factor. Greg told me a number of times on MSN messages that he was so sorry, that he was "setting up the bathtub to receive his blood" ... he said he wished he had the balls to just kill himself, that he'd rather be dead than live with out me. Thank the Lord we didn't have kids, I couldn't imagine !! But the poor kittens suffered for it, the one day I came home from work and my baby kitten Paris was limping around and Roman was cowering under my pillow ... Greg's sitting at the computer playing a video game. I asked why Paris was limping around, and Greg says he came home from school and the bookcase had been tipped. Such a lie, that bookcase hadn't moved ... Paris was not big enough to tip it, no matter what he did. I tried tipping it and there's no way. Besides, everything that was on the shelf hadn't moved (I could tell by the dust) and there would have been a mark on the wall where the shelf fell. No, Greg threw Paris into the wall when Paris pooped under the table. The result was that Paris' leg was broken almost beyond repair. We took him to the emergency vet and had his leg casted, but it needed surgery. Expensive surgery that we just couldn't afford. Greg ended up giving the cats up to the Human Society after causing them such a horrible life, so much pain.

His moods were so back and forth ... one day he's totally romantic, sweet and fabulous, the next he's a raging lunatic, ready to kill me for one reason or another. He was sex obsessed, with the porn, the forced sex and masturbation. He was knowledgeable of computer programming, and many times put keyloggers on random computers I used to he could see who I was talking to and about what. He'd show up at my work and make sure I was there and not fucking someone else. He'd phone me constantly when I wasn't with him, he'd show up if I was out somewhere. He'd threaten my family and friends. He jumped out in front of my dad's van once, then tried to have my dad charged for attempted murder. The cops basically laughed at him, knowing his past with me ... never mind that there were about 15 witnesses that said he'd been threatening me in the bowling alley only 10 minutes before !

Anyways, the point to all this isn't only to get it all out, but again to hopefully help someone else. Not to say I think anyone on my FL is being abused, but someone might know someone who might know someone ... and ever since I saw Greg the other day downtown, it's been nagging at me. I had to get it out, it needs to be documented. It seems so unreal, as I type this all out, but it's true, it all happened to me in three years.

Please comment if you read this.
Tags: abuse survivor, public entry
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